Cutting the Cord

“This is your life. Are you who you want to be?”

My dad is a pretty great dad. He isn’t the most outspoken of people and he hates being involved with any of my girly drama. But he has always provided consistent, solid, silent, support. He knows I’ve been struggling with the same boy for way too long now. It angers him and hurts him when I am hurting, but he seldom says anything about it. He caught me in a moment of weakness a while ago. Late at night when I thought everyone was sleeping and I couldn’t help but start feeling sorry for myself and my constant “not even a relationship” troubles.

He just sat down next to me on the floor for a few minutes before he got up, pulled me up, looked me in the eyes and asked “Are you who you want to be? Is this how you want to live?” And that got me thinking. Am I who I want to be?

The answer was no. I’m not who I want to be. So I’ve been taking baby steps to get there. But it’s much harder than it sounds. When someone or something has become so ingrained in your life, it’s so hard to cut them out. Even when you know they’re toxic to you and your happiness. You’ve gotten used to them and you’ve developed a routine around them and their drama. It’s scary to think about your life when you consider actually letting them go.

I’ve never been one to insist that people “move on” from a relationship the second it ends. Everyone grieves at their own pace. Everyone heals in their own time. But I’m learning there’s a difference between healing and being stuck. I’ve been stuck for a very long time. The only way I’m going to become the person I want to be is if I start living my life differently. Letting go isn’t giving up. It’s giving yourself another chance at happiness.

ellen

 

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

…Almost Lovers Always Do

Love is Letting Go

Growing up is choosing what you need over what you want. Even when it hurts like hell.
How do you say goodbye to someone that you’ve loved with your whole heart? How do you make the choice to go from a “goodbye for now” to a “goodbye for good”?
It’s so much easier to just forgive and forget. Erase the problems, stuff down the hurt feelings. Anything to get back to the safe, happy place where there isn’t any room for serious discussion.
But everyone eventually reaches a point where you are faced with no other option. You must make a change because the way you’re living is just not working anymore.
You just have to let go.

Love is Letting Go

There’s Nothing Wrong With Having High Standards

For years now, people have been giving me grief:

“ellen, why are you still single? Your standards must be too high.”

Okay, so what? Maybe they are. But I fail to see the problem. I’m twenty years old. Almost twenty one. Why on earth would I ever lower my standards for ANYONE at this stage in the game? I’m not looking for some playground romance. I’m definitely not looking for a casual Friends with Benefits situation that is so common in college. What I’m looking for is a mature, healthy, committed, LASTING relationship. I’m not saying that I’m demanding marriage from every guy who happens to think I’m cute, but I know that I put off a very strong signal that says “don’t mess with me unless you mean it.” And you know what? I’m proud of that.

So that leaves me without cute boys blowing up my phone at all hours of the day and night. That leaves me without Instagram admirers. That leaves me without Facebook pictures of me sitting on the laps of all my adoring subjects. It used to make me feel really sad and left out. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that when it comes to relationships, it’s all about quality not quantity.  Because of my high standards, only the best of the best even bother to try.  That’s why I firmly believe it’s okay to hold out for the best. Why settle for less than what you know you deserve? Here’s my list of things I’m holding out for.

1. A guy that gives me his full attention when he’s with me. I deserve to feel like the only girl in the room.

2. A guy that not only listens to what I have to say, but is interested and wants to know more.

3. A guy that respects my mind more than he likes my body. 

4. A guy that loves his mom. The way he treats her is the best indicator of how he’ll treat you.

5. A guy that is a man of action. I’m past the stage of needing cute texts to feel secure. I want a man that shows me how important I am.

6. A guy that makes me laugh without being cruel or crude. It’s easy to make a dirty joke. A real comedian is someone who can make you laugh through wit and charm alone.

7. A guy that puts me first, without even thinking twice. I’m not saying that I’m a high maintenance girlfriend, but I should never doubt that he’d be there if I needed him.

8. A guy that understands the importance of communication. A relationship is so much more than a physical connection. I have to be able to have meaningful, intelligent conversation with a guy if it’s going to last.

9. A guy who is trustworthy. I should never doubt our relationship or his loyalty to me.

10. A guy who is willing to be my partner. Not my boss, not my guardian, and definitely not my babysitter. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like we are equal parts of a whole. Not someone who makes me feel indebted to them or as if I need to ask permission to live my life the way I want.

Keep holding out for the best. He’s out there. You’ll find him.

ellen

 

I don’t know much…

…about relationships.

To be honest, I haven’t had very many. Most were immature, high school nonsense. But I think that at some point, everyone has a relationship that defines and shapes them. For better or for worse.

Mine started when I was 15. I was so young. I thought I knew everything there was to know. I felt invincible. I believed in fairytales and happily ever afters because nothing in my life had ever shown me anything different. In a word, I was innocent. So when he showed up in my life, I fell hard. He was older. Handsome. Funny. Charming. Attentive. In short, everything I had ever wanted. For years, everything was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for a better first love. We both were so caught up in each other that the naive promises and plans we were making seemed real. We thought we could do anything as long as we were together. No matter what, I’ll always be grateful to him for those happy years. I experienced a young, pure, innocent love that felt infinite.

But as I’m sure you can tell, it wasn’t infinite. Things changed, as they always do. He was older, and eventually I got left behind. At first, I resented him for it. Then as I grew up, I realized that it wasn’t his fault. But it didn’t end there. Because our relationship never really…ended. He was always there. Every time he had a problem. Every time he needed a friend. Every time he wanted attention. Every time he wanted someone to hook up with. I’m not proud of how weak I was. But as I mentioned in an earlier post, we can’t help what we feel.

I’m telling you this to warn you. Maybe to save you from some of the heartache I’ve experienced. Definitely to protect you from the pain of getting tossed aside every time something better shows up. Like I said. I don’t know much. But here is what I’ve learned.

1. To the right person, you will always be a priority.

2. If he truly cares, he will never forget to text you back.

3. With the right guy, you will never have to compromise your morals.

4. If he can go weeks at a time without a word, and then suddenly “needs” you, you don’t need him. 

5. You will never have to fight for the right guy’s attention.

6. He will never make you doubt yourself.

7. He will be genuinely interested and invested in you and your life.

8. He will send you cute “good morning” texts, not text you at 2am asking you to come over and “hang out”. 

9. He will show you how much you mean to him through his actions. He won’t ever have to rely on sweet words and empty promises.

10. The right guy will always be there. Not just when it’s convenient for him.

If you’re stuck in a place like me and you’re waiting around for him to change because you think he’s “the one”, see how well he measures up to those 10 criteria. And then pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember that you are a treasure and you are doing yourself a disservice by allowing yourself to be treated as anything less.

ellen